becoming {g}

I am so happy in this series to introduce you to several wonderful women who share their personal reflections on becoming.

G is a compassionate blogger who writes about her discoveries of self and the world in which she lives at Through My Eyes.

 

In graduate school, I spent many hours studying identity development, so when I think of the idea of becoming this is my frame of reference.  I think of theorists like Maslow, Perry, Chickering, Myers-Briggs, Baxter-Magolda and Belenky.  I think of dualism, ways of knowing, managing emotions.  So, when I think of becoming it has generally been in an academic sense.

I’ve come to know myself well, now that I’m in my mid-thirties.  I know my strengths as being organized, diplomatic, driven, visionary.  I work hard to humanize processes that can be devoid of affect.  I try to parent with a little of what my parents taught me, a little understanding of early childhood development, and a huge dose of making it up as I go along!  I think of myself as a spiritual person, though what that means has changed along the journey.  I have a strong interest in social justice and diversity, though I'm only beginning work on what those mean in my every day.

I’ve always done things the right way, been the good kid (just ask my siblings), and accepted right and wrong as others taught it.  I’ve been a church-going Christian, heavily involved in worship and music in every church I’ve attended.  That has been important to me.  I’ve accepted Christianity as the Truth - not evangelical or conservative by any stretch, but certainly naive and narrow.

I’m well aware of my weaknesses, too.  My patience is not great, I am very critical and judgmental, and I usually know a better way to get things done (just ask my husband).  The worst thing for me is to be right, but I often am (or at least unchallenged).  So, I’ve found loads of success in applying my judgment to decision-making and planning.  All of my professional career, this skill has gained me accolades and promotions.  I use the same skill to manage our home, the kids' schooling, our community involvement, and our time off. 

Despite the success I’ve had, I still lump my judgment into the deficit category.  For I tend to miss the moments that make life special.  A change in plans or a bump in the road make me a really ugly person.  My impatience makes me good at being angry and I hate that part of me.  I tend to be so far forward thinking that I miss the things that could genuinely make me happy - the things that are right here, right now.

Becoming me has been about more than discovering my genuine self.  It has been about digging deep and searching for ways to move beyond my weaknesses.  Some of the motivation for this journey of becoming has been about me - a strong desire to stop feeling so anxious, a strong desire to listen fully and thoughtfully, a strong desire to find inner peace, a strong desire to develop a sense of spirituality that fuels and sustains me. 

But, even more so, this journey has been about wanting to be a better person for those in my life, especially my children.

source

There are a few models that come to mind when I think of who I would like to emulate.  They are wise, genuine, honest, patient, in the moment, caring, compassionate, loving and always acting in the best interest of others.  Some examples include Mother Teresa, Ghandi, and Albus Dumbledore (yes, I want to be like a fictional character!).  But where these examples fall short for me is that none of them have children.  Perhaps the most perplexing question for me in my journey of becoming is can I love and find peace and wisdom as these folks have within the framework of my family.  I am not willing to commit to a journey of inner peace and selfless giving that does not include my husband and children.  I've been unable to find a model who also has a family. 

Though, I have found a few special teachers  . . .

My children have taught me the beauty that happens in the moment with every "Mommy do you want to see what I can do?"  They've taught me patience with every marker-colored body part.  They've taught me to be more flexible with every "Mommy, please" with no real good reason not to.  And I know that I don't want to miss a moment of learning from my children.

This journey has been jarring - leading me to a world where there are multiple truths, meditative moments, new discoveries, magical moments with my children, fear that I will venture far enough on the journey to find myself alone, a new found connection with my husband.  I'm not sure what the journey has in store and I have no idea where I am going on this journey, but I have committed to it and am eager to see what I can become.

Lessons taught by my wee three can be found at Through My Eyes along with rest of my journey of becoming.